My remit here at NN is to be the Social Correspondent reporting on red carpet events such as movie premiere's, social gatherings and wot-not. However, January in the Spanish mountains is not exactly a whirlwind of social engagements and high brow conversation! Trying to discuss the do's and don't's of dining etiquette with a wild boar who has come down from the high mountains looking for, and I quote, 'a bit of scram,' is an exercise in futility! These old boars have no table manners whatsoever! And what's more trying to get the Boss to splash out and send me the Oscars is a similarly redundant exercise! So, I'm a Social Correspondent without any parties! What is a girl to do?
Nevertheless, one is a resourceful little pussy, if nothing else! And if there's a good time to be had, then I'm just the girl to sort it out!! But I find myself in somewhat of dilemma. Social Correspondent I may be, but I'm only a year and half old so Dad (that's the Boss to you and me!) worries inordinately about me when I am out and about. I can hear him sometimes calling me in for brekky (he's just got up....whilst I've been up all night doing....doing.....ah ah......and here we reach the crux of the dilemma) and I feel sort of obliged to attend and eat some fish or meat, just to be polite...you know how it is.......when the truth is I've been gorging on raw lizard, mouse souffle, mantis ettoufe and chilled rain water all night, but if I told Dad....sorry, the Boss.......if I told the Boss that he'd do his nut! And why? Well, hang on........I'm just checking if he's about!
Nope! He appears to be having his nap! Poor old boy! So....come a bit closer....I'll talk quietly so as not wake him up! This is the general routine when it gets close to bedtime. The Boss shuts down all the office PC's, brushes his teeth, then gets us all ready for bed. The Canine manimals go to their pen and us Feline manimals settle down on sofas, cushions, spare beds......as us pussies are want to do. And then as soon as Dad's asleep I'm off....out the window, party gear on under my PJ's and I'm off looking for fun till I hear the old man calling me in for brekky! If he asks I feign innocence, "What me? No, no! I just woke up early and wanted some fresh air!" Of course, I purr like mad and rub round his ankles, and he believes anything I say. "Sorry, what's that Dad? No, no! I wouldn't be able to stay awake all night. I'm still a kitten-manimal, honestly!" And this is why I have to find out of the way nooks and crannies to sleep in during the day! If asked, I'm searching for inspiration for my column......on the inside of my eyelids!!!! lol
So with no social engagements to report on I'll spend my time anyway drawing up a comparison table between the behaviour of British MP's during PM Q's and my low brow friends from above, the wild boar!!
The first time I saw PM Q's I was stunned by the social depravity on show; all that jeering, shouting down and generally raucous behaviour reminded me of a dinner party I'd attended one night. As you can guess, it was Vinnie and Shazza, our resident boars who'd invited us round for a bite. And to be fair, that was all there was for us......I mean I'm always keen to try new things but once you've had one almond, you've pretty much had them all! And on the evening in question, it was almonds for starters, main and dessert! My sissy, Dijon Dudette was on the verge of tears...not because she was hungry....but because she couldn't stop laughing at the noise Vinnie, in particular, made when attacking his food. "Sounds like an old fashioned hoover, but it (i.e. the food!) disappears up his snout faster than dust up a Dyson!"
Nevertheless, comparisons abound....so here we go!
Table 1. Behavioural and Social Compatibility Comparison between Wild Boar (Sus scrofa) & domesticated Politicians (Homo Sapiens rhetoricus). Each behaviour or social correlate is scored out of 10, the lower the rating the higher the Sociability Index.
Boar
|
MP’s
| |
Ability to eat food without snorting
|
9
|
7
|
Dinner conversation subject matter
|
7
|
7
|
Frequency of bitch-slapped marital & public partners
|
8
|
3
|
Question avoidance & bullshitometer reading
|
2
|
9
|
General believability when speaking
|
3
|
8
|
Well, the evidence doesn't lie! With a Sociability Index (SI) of 6.8 MP's are significantly less agreeable socially than wild boar (SI 5.8). On most categories the boar and the MP's scored pretty evenly. For example the ability of both subjects to rouse an interesting dinner conversation from scratch was poor. No surprise there I'd say!
But in 2 categories the MP's suffered badly (see Table 1) and these 2 scores are the main reason why the MP's SI is higher than that of the boar. The first category is that of Bitch Slapping frequency. To be clear here we're talking about verbal bitch-slappings and not physical abuses. The data shows that in a domestic situation MP's are no more likely than a wild boar to chastise their respective partner/families, but once those data are combined with that from a public arena the degree of MP bitch-slapping rises dramatically, largely I would suggest because of the hooliganistic and juvenile behaviour they tend to exhibit during PM's Q's! Further, one can also see quite clearly from the Table that the area your average MP suffers most by comparison to a wild boar is on 'question avoidance' and the amount of bullshit they have to espouse in order to sound remotely believable. The wild boar by contrast scores highly in this category and 3 times less likely to try and bullshit you. The general feeling was that if you asked a wild boar a question they were likely to hit you straight back with a direct answer. For example, when asked how they deal with delays at Medical Facilities (Vets or Doctors) the boar replied unequivocally, "I'd head butt the f****r! Problem solved!" Your average MP when confronted with the same question tended to waffle, quote irrelevant statistics, knock the opposition and generally try and attempt to baffle us with bullshit.
So there we have it! Quite a shock I know for some of you, but the facts are that a wild boar is infinitely more agreeable than an MP.
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